I’m Mark.
I am a Libra. Libra is the sign of justice, balance, harmony, and the human ability to connect with others (I like all of that!). I am human. I am a good person. I am worthy of being happy. I am worthy of love. But why did it take me so long to realize this? …
You see, I was the fat kid…and the gay kid – although I didn’t know that gay part yet…just different, uncomfortable in my own skin. I was made to feel that something was wrong with me.
As a kid, I kinda knew that…well, that I was different, I just didn’t know why. What’s funny is that the other kids seemed to know what was different before I did…. “Fairy, Queer, and Fag”.,,,OUCH, OUCH, and OUCH!
I’d hear from my mom, ’Why don’t’ you want to go play ball with the other kids’? ‘Why do you spend so much time in your room’? ‘That’s not normal….. what’s wrong with you!’? So of course I became afraid of my own shadow,... My abnormal abomination of a shadow…
Let’s forward a few years…time to go to college.
As scary as it was, my college experience was wonderful! People like me! Wow! Close friendships developed…professors that encouraged and celebrated my achievements! I felt like I mattered. My Mansfield State College had such a personal impact on me, I eventually made higher education my career....and What a wonderful and inspirational career it’s been!
But those old tapes from my young years can still play on the mind….still lots of work ahead.
After a few sessions, as my therapist was getting to know me, and our time together was becoming more intense…he said, “ do you know what’s wrong with you, do you want to know what’s really wrong with you?...” with baited breath I was finally going to find out what was wrong with me!....finally…after all these years!...
He paused…he stared at me...and then said,…”NOTHING! Nothing is wrong with you!”
As the tears rushed out of my eyes and poured down my face, he tossed a box of tissues across to me. Through my tears, I took one look, tossed them right back and said, ‘they’re not my brand”…he replied, “you cover a lot of your pain with humor…” (But I really do love to make people smile and laugh.)
Life had certainly changed – thank goodness! In 1996 I was so fortunate to find a wonderful mate and loving husband.
Dan and I spent 25 years, one month, and ten days together.
I was so proud of him, the man he was, the teacher he was, our marriage, and our shared life together.
Losing Dan to cancer in 2021 broke me, nearly destroyed me completely. I researched best ways to die by suicide. But….through the love and unwavering support of friends and family, I learned to find gratitude.
Gratitude is what saved me.
I eventually realized how lucky I was and still am for having what I did. I’ve grown so much in so many ways. I’ve opened my heart and mind to new people and new experiences. My new independence has given me confidence.
I have confidence that this “Act II” of my life will have meaning and purpose. And I’ll make sure it happens,…on purpose.
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